Stupid Corny Jokes

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Megalops, May 13, 2014.

  1. Megalops

    Megalops Rex Kwan Do Dojo

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    How does Moses make his tea?

    He brewed it.


    How does Lady GaGa like her steak?

    Raw, raw, raw ra raw.


    What did the blind man say in front of the fish factory?

    "Mornin' ladies!"
     
  2. cvilt

    cvilt I Love microskiff.com!

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    Corny jokes are good :)
     

  3. Brett

    Brett > PRO STAFF <

    The gauntlet has been cast, verily I accept the challenge.  ;D


    A blind man is swinging his dog around on its leash like a helicopter.
    A shocked onlooker asks "What are you doing?"
    The blind man replies "Oh, just looking around."

    There are 2 types of people in the world.
    Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

    Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?
    I hear it's making headlines

    How long is a Chinese name...

    What do you call a cheap circumcision?
    A rip off

    A sandwich walks into a bar.
    Bartender says, "You gotta leave. We don't serve food here."

    Today, I saw a midget prisoner escaping by climbing down a wall.
    He turned, saw and sneered at me.
    I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.

    It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs,
    because they're always taking things, literally.

    Why are NYers so depressed?
    Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.

    Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
    He sold his soul to Santa.


    Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.  ;)
     
  4. Megalops

    Megalops Rex Kwan Do Dojo

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    What do you call a lady who has one leg longer than the other? Eileen
    What do you call a Japanese lady who has one leg longer than the other? Irene!

    What did the dog say when he sat on some sandpaper?
    Ruff!

    My friend drew her eyebrows too high...she looked surprised.
     
  5. andymills

    andymills I Love microskiff.com!

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    Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are under $1.29, deer nuts are under a buck!

    -----
    The fly

    A fish swimming down a stream spots a fly flying right over him. The fish thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, I can jump and catch that fly."

    A bear see the fish that sees the fly. The bear thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly and I can catch the fish."

    A hunter sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The hunter thinks, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, and I can shoot the bear."

    A mouse sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees fly. The mouse thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I can get the cheese in the hunters lunch."

    A cat sees the mouse that sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The cat thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get the cheese, and I can catch the mouse.

    The fly dropped six inches.

    The fish caught the fly, the bear caught the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got the cheese, and the cat pounce for the mouse but miss and landed in the stream.

    Moral of the story: Every time a fly drops six inches, a p-err, kitty gets wet!

    -----

    A horse walks in the bar. The bar tender says, 'why the long face??'
     
    Flatsaholic likes this.
  6. goon squad

    goon squad I Love microskiff.com!

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    A bear and rabbit are taking a chit.

    The bear says "Hey rabbit do you have trouble with chit sticking to your fur?"

    The rabbit says "No,not at all."

    So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him!
     
  7. anytide

    anytide Administrator Staff Member

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    what do you do when your toe falls off ?

    :)
     
  8. Brett

    Brett > PRO STAFF <

    that one's older than I am 'tide. ;D
     
  9. anytide

    anytide Administrator Staff Member

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    doubt it......
    might be in your jurrasic collection tho.


    ;)
     
  10. Megalops

    Megalops Rex Kwan Do Dojo

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    I'll bite. What? ;D
     
  11. topnative2

    topnative2 Well-Known Member

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    I’m going to retire and live off my savings.

    What I’ll do the second week, I have no idea.



    I sometimes drink a glass of water

    just to surprise my liver.



    Life is short!

    Smile while you still have teeth.

    I’m not fat.

    I’m just easy to see.



    I don’t want to make anyone jealous

    but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.



    Did you know

    chocolate makes you clothes shrink?



    I think I’m emotionally constipated.

    I haven’t given a crap all week.



    Dealing with stupid people is like soccer.

    You can use your head but a swift kick is more effective.



    I have no words to describe this day.

    I do however have a lot of hand gestures.



    My bucket list:

    Ice

    Wine



    It’s hard to be optimistic

    when your fat pants are tight.



    My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke

    so I put my pay slip on the first slide.



    I’m up!

    If you’re expecting bright eyed and bushy tailed

    go catch a freakin’ squirrel!



    I’m not sure if life is passing me by

    or trying to run me over.
     
  12. Megalops

    Megalops Rex Kwan Do Dojo

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    Mrs.Smith just finished teaching class about Aesop's Fables and asked her children if they had any similar stories that could relate with their lives.  Immediately little Suzie chimes in:

    "On our farm, we collect chicken eggs.  But sometimes not all the eggs hatch into chickens."

    "And what's the moral to your story?" Mrs. Smith asks.
    "Don't count your chickens before they hatch!"

    Little Lacy chimed in next:  "One time, on our farm, I put all the eggs in my bicycle basket.  I was riding to Old Man Wither's house and a dog chased me, and I crashed and smashed all the eggs."

    "And the moral to your story..?"
    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    Little Johnny was waving his hand, trying to get Mrs. Smith's attention.  Finally she calls on Johnny with a sigh, "And your story dear..."

    "Well," Little Johnny begins, "My Uncle Joe is in the Special Ops.  One time before a mission he drank an ENTIRE bottle of Jim Beam!  Then he parachuted out of a C-130, landed, shot all the bad guys at the compound but ran out of bullets. Finished the rest in hand to hand combat, laid C4 and blew the entire compound to smithereens. Ran 15 miles to his checkpoint, and fell asleep on the helicopter ride back!"

    "My word Johnny, what could possibly be the moral to your story?"

    "Don't @#$% with Uncle Joe when he's drunk!"
     
    Rick hambric likes this.
  13. jkoski

    jkoski I piscus ergo sum!

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    This is my next t-shirt
     
  14. Brett

    Brett > PRO STAFF <

    we can do that, real easy

    [​IMG]
     
  15. firefish

    firefish I Love microskiff.com!

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    You guys should spend more time reading,,Here's a list of the three shortest books ever written, Polish wit and wisdom, French war heros, and ,,,, I better leave the third out !!!And finally a couple of good tips to live by, Don't fry bacon in the nude, and never, never pet a burning dog !!!
     
  16. anytide

    anytide Administrator Staff Member

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    call a toetruck
    ;)
     
  17. GSSF

    GSSF I love my microskiff

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    I love corny one-liners.

    My favorite?

    Blind prostitutes.  You gotta hand it to em........

    :D
     
  18. Megalops

    Megalops Rex Kwan Do Dojo

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    I got home late tarpon fishing and my wife sent me a message:  Lord Bless her, she wants me to eat more fruit.

    [​IMG]
     
  19. cutrunner

    cutrunner Cert. Yamaha technician

    Lol if I got a picture of that I would be on my way to Mexico haha
     
  20. cutrunner

    cutrunner Cert. Yamaha technician

    What do you call a cow with 3 legs?



    Lean meat