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Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by EdK13, Dec 6, 2017.
Rand Paul Twitter Savagery
Hair lip Jonny went trick or treating on Halloween. He moseyed on over to his neighbor and rather enthusiastically rang the doorbell. An elderly gentleman with a beaming smile opened the door and held out a large bowl of goodies.
"Brick or breat!" shouted Jonny.
"Oh, hiya Jonny. You mean trick or treat!" the old man chuckled. "What are you dressed up as on this spooky night?"
"I'm a birate!"
"Oh! You mean you're a pirate. Say, Jonny," and here the old man leaned in conspiratorially. "Where are your buccaneers?"
"They're on the side of my head, you asshole!"
We recently tried a new restaurant here in Yankeetown that featured a young ventriloquist as entertainment. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through the usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly a blonde woman at the table next to us stood on her chair and started shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, but the blonde yelled: “You stay out of this! ... I’m talking to that little shit on your lap.”
I witnessed the same situation in a comedy club, blonde got offended. This one didn't stop at complaining, she pulled a razor out of her purse. Fortunately there was no place to plug it in.
Bubba and Leeroy were sitting on the porch drinking one afternoon. The old hound dog was sitting there lickin himself, just goin to town. Now, this is a MALE dog, lickin himself. Bubba leans over to Leeroy and tells him, “Man, I sure wish I could do that!” Leeroy leans over, spits off the porch, takes a pause and then replies, “Well... you can give it a try but he’s bound to bite ya.”
Guy's alarm goes off at 0330. He shuts it off quickly to avoid disturbing the wife. He's gets up, gets his coffee, gathers up his fishing stuff into the truck. When he opens the garage door and backs out he sees that it's pouring down rain. He stops a minute to think things over and finally thinks better of it and pulls back in. He closes the garage door and comes back to his bedroom, again taking care not to turn on the light and annoy his wife. He then gets undressed and climbs into bed with her. He says "It's raining cats and dogs out there." The wife says, "Ya. Can you believe my husband is out there fishing in this weather?"
We get a lot of visitors from up North here in Yankeetown. Just last week a minister from New Hampshire was visiting the local nature preserve when he found a helpless man wearing shorts, sandals, and an old ‘Vote for Hillary’ tee shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 13 foot alligator.
As the minister watched in horror, a group of local Crackers all wearing ‘Go Trump’ shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the alligator’s head.
The two other men pulled the semiconscious Hillary supporter from the alligator's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three Crackers finished off the alligator.
Two of the men dragged the dead alligator onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured man in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the minister called all of them over to him “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred in the South between Republicans and Democratics , but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”
As the minister drove off, one Crackers asked his buddies, “Who was that guy?”
“Dude, that was one of them Yankee preachers,” another replied. “They's supposed to be pretty damn smart...got them phd things and all."
“Well,” the first Cracker said, “he may be real smart but he don’t know shit about alligator hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to order another one from California?”
Love me, love my dog.
Man, can’t you muster up a simple joke?
What did the dog say when he sat on some sandpaper? Ruff!
My dog disappeared. He was a labracadabrador.