Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by fsae99, Dec 13, 2012.

  1. fsae99

    fsae99 I Love!

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
    much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
    never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
    bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
    feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every
    boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my
    emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who
    I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was
    going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to
    take the day off of work to spend time with her.

    We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
    department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
    different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
    told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new
    clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the
    jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me
    tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of
    a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
    tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
    threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost
    nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

    Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
    dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
    out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank
    as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I
    just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with
    my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as
    a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
    added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
  2. cvilt

    cvilt I Love!

    I thought you said this was a joke LOL

  3. Brett

    Brett > PRO STAFF <

    I'm too old to remember why that joke is funny... ;)

    This one is more my speed....

    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

    Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. 
    We were only in there for about 5 minutes, and when we came out,
    there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

    We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

    I called him a @$$h*13.

    He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

    So my wife called him a $h1+ head.

    He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
    Then he started writing a third ticket.

    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Our bus finally pulled up to the stop, we walked past the car and climbed in.

    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
  4. fsae99

    fsae99 I Love!

  5. cvilt

    cvilt I Love!

    Both are good thanks I need to laugh ;D
  6. Brett

    Brett > PRO STAFF <

    There was a bit of confusion at the airline counter this morning.
    When I was ready to pay for my tickets for the flight
    the clerk said, "Strip down, facing me."
    Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about overzealous airport security, I complied.
    When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
    I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
    I have been asked to fly another airline in the future.
    They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
  7. cutrunner

    cutrunner Cert. Yamaha technician

    ^ lol i had to think about that one for a second. Been in the sun too long today..
    I have some good jokes but they arent fit for this forum whatsoever.
    Come to think of it, these are the first clean jokes ive heard in a while