Fighting words

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by TomFL, Feb 3, 2009.

  1. TomFL

    TomFL Well-Known Member

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Well….your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....

    ------------ --------- --------- ------

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

    And then the fight started....
     
  2. Brett

    Brett > PRO STAFF <

    You know you've been married a long time, when you've reached this point:

    Man wakes up in the middle of the night, to hear his wife chewing him
    out for purchasing something they didn't need. Raising up on one elbow,
    he leaned over and looked at her. She was sound asleep, dreaming.
    She continued to berate him for the purchase quite loudly while still unconcious.
    In a flash of genius the proper answer to the dilemma came to him...
    He leaned closer and whispered in her ear, so as not to wake her:

    "It's allright dear, I had a coupon."

    Whereupon she replied, without waking up:

    "Oh, then it's ok, you should have said so sooner..."

    and he was able to go back to sleep with no further disturbance.
     

  3. Brett

    Brett > PRO STAFF <

    After having their 11th child, a Texas couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Texas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Texan said to the doctor, "I might not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."

    So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Texas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

    Figuring that two, learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he stopped, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
     
  4. Un-shore

    Un-shore Well-Known Member

    Thats a good 'en.
     
  5. captnron

    captnron Guest


    ;D ;D ;D

    Hook, line and sinker. :)
     
  6. kbuch312

    kbuch312 Well-Known Member

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    I'm Texan, and slightly offended. ;D ;D ;D
     
  7. Tom_C

    Tom_C Well-Known Member

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    I see you got some brains, you now live in St Louis.
     
  8. Kemo

    Kemo The world is flat....and shallow.

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    I've heard the cherry bomb joke four or more times, and each time it was a different state. Still funny, though. So were the others.

    Kemo :cool:
     
  9. Neumie

    Neumie Well-Known Member

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    Funny thing, when We tell that joke in Texas it's a about a Florida couple. :p ::)
     
  10. Canoeman

    Canoeman Well-Known Member

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    Funny thing, when We tell that joke in Texas it's a about a Florida couple. :p ::)

    That's OK. In both cases they were from the panhandle. ;)
     
  11. gheenoeguy

    gheenoeguy Well-Known Member

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    My wife called me up when I was at work and she said I have something special for you if you come home for lunch. I thought great she probably bought crabs for lunch. I rushed home for lunch and when I arrived she opened the door to greet me wearing nothing at all. She said you could do what ever you want to me the rest of the afternoon.  I got some rope out of my Gheenoe and tied her up to the four bed posts. She got all excited until I told her I'm going fishing on my Gheenoe for the rest of the afternoon, but I will be back to untie you later.
     
  12. TomFL

    TomFL Well-Known Member

    Where do you live and what time will you be done fishing?? ;) :D

    -T
     
  13. Weedy

    Weedy Well-Known Member

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    [smiley=1-mmm.gif] [smiley=1-laugh.gif] [smiley=1-lmao.gif] [smiley=1-lmao.gif] [smiley=1-lmao.gif] [smiley=1-lmao.gif] [smiley=1-lmao.gif] [smiley=1-lmao.gif] [smiley=1-lmao.gif] [smiley=1-lmao.gif] [smiley=1-lmao.gif] [smiley=1-lmao.gif]
     
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